Sharing The System (2023)
None. If there had been no trauma, there would be no injury (think of a car accident causing a broken leg). It is not a personality disorder, psychosis or illness. It is a mental injury with no pill to remedy.
Annie is extremely uncomfortable getting undressed or being touched, even by her husband. Annie has significant anxiety submitting to & undergoing medical procedures.
Annie feels unworthy of good things, expects to live in scarcity & doesn’t self-advocate. She can’t identify wants & deprives herself of needs, yet seeks to bless others.
Annie can be defensive as she fears making a mistake & seeks to earn acceptance. Self-defined failure results in perpetuated self-loathing.
Annie is tenacious & resilient, craves family, & works hard to meet all needs.
Annie still looks at neighbor’s garbage for something useful. It is difficult to detect someone’s bad intentions & she’s gullible to deceit. Walking alone is terrifying.
Annie’s 3 kids fighting triggered Little-Debbie to take over & say hurtful things to them. All they saw was their Mom being mean. Two of them are estranged, reinforcing abandonment, bringing the deepest heartache.
A wrong power source destroys.
She sees Host as weak & timid. “Don’t mess with my little sister! " - Devistation
Bambi sees Annie’s husband, Brent, as her sister’s spouse & off limits sexually. However, Bambi does like to tell him about her escapades. Brent is able to distinguish that Annie would never be unfaithful & is not aware of Bambi’s experiences. Even still, Brent has become a forgiveness expert.
Vertigo | “Kitten”
Vertigo shifts in overnight, sits up in bed & has long conversations with Bambi or as if her “gentleman friend” is there. Brent tells me the next day. The only clue is I’m exhausted & have vertigo for hours the next morning.
Carbon Copy pretends to be Host & the switch is almost imperceptible. Annie is heartbroken. Before the September 2020 DID diagnosis, Annie didn’t know her kids suffered this. Her kids attributed the experience to Host/ Mom & she lost relationships with 2 daughters.
Believes the body is not flesh & blood, but rather a machine. “I can run through this class door & not get cut or bleed. I’ll show you. ” – Robot to housekeeper obeying Host’s parents’ order to barricade to door so we couldn’t flee the house.
One winter I piled up snow & built an igloo. I rested there, sheltered from the cold wind, warm in my jacket. Alone & out of sight.
Annie (birth name Debra)
Resolute to heal the metamorphosis forged by my perpetrators. I am praying for the restoration of damages & estranged relationships with my two oldest daughters.
Through the process of bringing Sharing The System to light, I have learned more than I could have ever imagined about my mother and her alters. When she was first diagnosed and many times after, it was hard for me to believe that when I looked into my mother's eyes, it was not always her behind them. Moments when she looked like herself but was somebody else under the surface. When she would talk like herself, though, I would hear someone else. Going most of my life raised by the system, unaware at the time that what was going on was not always within my mother's control, yet it was within her body. I did not blindly accept the diagnosis; I questioned it, did my own research, and tried to make sense of it all through visual means. I think it would have been naive otherwise not to try to figure out my experiences and relationship with my mother. After developing this with all impacted identities, I can no longer question and assume that DID is a performance or a tool to manipulate others; I know now that it is real. DID is a mental injury that is highly complex and exhausting; I could not imagine someone being able to accurately and thoroughly pretend that they had DID for over half a century. This conclusion means the forgotten interactions with alters due to the amnesia that comes with DID are real. The trauma that caused DID within my mother is real. The alters that are invisible to the naked, unknowing eye are real.