Love Yourself - Mikenna Bowers

Sharing The System (2023)

The work displayed here portrays my mother and the journey we have shared since her Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) diagnosis. I endeavored to show the 14 alternate identities that take on many aspects of what makes my mother fully herself and shield her from trauma simultaneously (the system). The collection of images depict my mother and the alternative identities stories, how they interact with the world, and their body language when they have come forward.

I was raised by my mother and the system and witnessed the impact of DID firsthand. My mother went half a century undiagnosed without prior support and resources. Now I am looking back, reframing memories, learning, adapting and moving forward with her. Creating this series allowed me to contextualize and make sense of such a complex diagnosis visually. My only awareness of DID prior to my mother’s diagnosis was limited to inaccurate movies and depictions within the media and knowledge of outdated terms like split personality and multiple personality disorder. Through this project, I have grown in my understanding of DID, my mother, the system and myself.

Trigger warning: DID is uncommon because the cause is exceptional trauma. Therefore complex topics are discussed throughout the series to give an honest representation of the reality of DID.

Signifier of Solidarity

Mother and Me

Time Well Spent

Little's Comfort

What the TV Sees

Conversation Point

Reliance and Forgiveness

D for DID

Anchor and Ground

The System

Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID):

DID is misrepresented. All people develop the typical emotions & traits. The only difference is that without DID, brains grow as intended into one whole being, with each emotion & trait mutually accessible at-all-times.

We are not crazy, we are survivors.

Injury:

A child’s emotions & personalities are not yet fully developed. Having brains unable to handle the suffering, DID is simply a child's creative survival mechanism deployed to cope with overwhelming & chronic childhood trauma that started before age 8.

Illness:

None. If there had been no trauma, there would be no injury (think of a car accident causing a broken leg). It is not a personality disorder, psychosis or illness. It is a mental injury with no pill to remedy.

The System

Triggered Behavior

Bam-Bam

Female, Human Alter

Age: 1

Holds:

Absolute fear of imminent physical harm done to her & others, yet also innocence & hope. She longs to be held & kept safe. She likes soft, cuddly things to snuggle under that make her feel warm & sheltered.

Purpose:

By banging her head on the floor, she becomes the distraction to stop someone else from being abused. When she senses violence coming at her or someone else, she tries to regulate the intensity by hurting herself first.

How she came to be:

“I think I had a big brother. Something bad happened to him & all of a sudden he was gone. We were looking at each other when it happened. He looked very sad & scared. I hid & saw from under my blankie. ” – Bam-Bam

Point of view:

Bam-Bam sees Annie’s husband as “Big Daddy”. She wants Annie’s 3 daughters to play “peek-a-boo” & babysit.

Bam-Bam

Shoes

Female, Human Alter

Age: 2

Holds:

Dreads her clothes being taken off because it makes her feel vulnerable. She knows lots of pain comes next. She tries to avoid physical touch.

Purpose:

Endure whatever was being done to me when my shoes & socks were off. They made me lay down belly-up on the kitchen table while it was done to me. I picked a spot, stared at it & kept begging for my shoes until it was over.

How she came to be:

“Mom & Dad said my feet were turned inward & back when I was born. Instead of leg braces, exercises were done. ”

– Shoes

Point of view:

Annie is extremely uncomfortable getting undressed or being touched, even by her husband. Annie has significant anxiety submitting to & undergoing medical procedures.

Shoes

Playpen

Female, Human Alter

Age: 3

Holds:

Believes anything she cares about will be taken away from her. Pleading only makes the punishment more harsh. Be a good girl or lose things that make her happy.

Purpose:

Be able to remain still & quiet while confined. Be content with any little thing given to me. Don’t complain, cry, stand up or make noise. Keep everything clean & in its place.

How she came to be:

While Dad was at work, Mom forced me to remain seated & quiet, alone in the playpen all day. Toys tossed out were taken away & I was in trouble. I would silently hold my breath until I passed out. I came-to face-up under the kitchen sink with cold water pouring onto my face, struggling to breathe.

Point of view:

Annie feels unworthy of good things, expects to live in scarcity & doesn’t self-advocate. She can’t identify wants & deprives herself of needs, yet seeks to bless others.

Playpen

7

Female, Human Alter

Age: 7

Holds:

Approval by people-pleasing. Expected high standard for self & others. Achievement driven. Fear of failing or being imperfect.

Purpose:

Present a splendid image to the world using meticulous etiquette, precisely groomed hair, wrinkle-free beautiful dresses, polished patent leather shoes, sparkling jewelry, articulate sentences, straight-A report cards & achievements. Be the idyllic little girl.

How she came to be:

Mom was a professional executive, career driven & didn’t want kids. At age 40, Dad raped her to get her pregnant. She stopped working & resented my existence. I became her measure of success. A perceived flaw was rewarded with strict retribution.

Point of view:

Annie can be defensive as she fears making a mistake & seeks to earn acceptance. Self-defined failure results in perpetuated self-loathing.

7

11

Female, Human Alter

Age: 11

Holds:

Inability to set boundaries, complacency with mistreatment, isolation & hopelessness. She takes up tremendous responsibility to do what others could & should do but won’t.

Purpose:

Survive being alone in a volatile & chaotic home, knowing help is not coming. Accede to do bills & taxes, take collection phone calls, & block the view to inside of home when police come. Lie to cover up abuse & take the blame, in effort keep peace at home.

How she came to be:

Mom molesting me in bed, Dad forcing himself on me, & the pain of vicious fights. Mom smashing phones so I can’t call for help. My body examined for signs of puberty & watched while showering. Parents not paying bills, utilities shut off, sheriff bringing court orders. Lacking clean or fitting clothes.

Point of view:

Annie is tenacious & resilient, craves family, & works hard to meet all needs.

11

Wendy

Female, Human Alter

Age: 12

Holds:

Apprehension meeting new people. Disgust for the smell of booze & cigarettes. Revulsion of stains, bad smells, sticky things,& sheets not covering the mattress. Panic walking alone in the dark, especially in tall wet grass. Empathy for & familiar comfort with folks in poverty. Appreciation for small kindnesses.

Purpose:

Go alone from trailer to trailer in Dad’s slummy mobile home park to collect rent. Unknowingly, this afforded Dad an opportunity to force tenants for sex when they couldn’t pay.

How she came to be:

Witnessed gun fights, brawls, & arson fires. Saw & smelled a tenant that set himself on fire. Was sexually assaulted in the back bedroom of a trailer by a murderer.

Point of view:

Annie still looks at neighbor’s garbage for something useful. It is difficult to detect someone’s bad intentions & she’s gullible to deceit. Walking alone is terrifying.

Wendy

Little-Debbie

Female, Human Alter

Age: 10-13

Holds:

Pure rage. Fear of being abandoned, but also playfulness & creativity. Yearns for safety & someone to rescue her. Tends to run away to escape relationship turmoil.

Purpose:

Monitor outside world for arguments. If it escalates, run to hide for safety. Be small & insignificant. Isolate & draw, paint, pray or play to avoid conflict. Stuff all emotions, then talk & cry alone with Friskie, her cat. Only with other kids, release in a verbal blitz of meanness.

How she came to be:

Beatings & whippings. Dad being suicidal, Mom leaving. Left alone, neglected without food & isolated from the outside world. Terrorized by sadistic pranks.

Point of view:

Annie’s 3 kids fighting triggered Little-Debbie to take over & say hurtful things to them. All they saw was their Mom being mean. Two of them are estranged, reinforcing abandonment, bringing the deepest heartache.

Little-Debbie

Namina

Female, Human Alter

Age: 14-15 & sometimes 18

Holds:

Skills to use supernatural tools of astral projection, telekinesis, seances, & Ouija boards. Spiritual connection to nature. Passionate need for power to transcend this world.

Purpose:

Find belonging & acceptance, a place to fit in & be valued. Become self-empowered. Feel peace & unity. Be respected. Use Goth to be unapproachable, separate & not vulnerable.

How she came to be:

I was a friendless loner in school & prey at home. My high school crush taught me psychic abilities beyond the witchcraft my parents did. After high school he sought me out to perform a Wiccan ritual of union, promising elevation to High Priestess. He used me & left. Mom forced me to have an underground abortion. I fought against the straps holding me down. It went terribly wrong. I hemorrhaged & barely lived.

Point of view:

A wrong power source destroys.

Namina

Devistation

Female, Human Alter

Age: 17

Holds:

Aggression, toughness, hardness. Protects by combat fighting or intimidation.

Purpose:

The only alter willing to make people back off or fight, but will not hit adult abusers.

How she came to be:

I was bullied in school & our neighborhood. Tina found me walking my black poodle, Licorice, in the alley & threatened to beat me up. She then tried to get my dog off his leash to chase him into the street so he’d get hit by a car. Joan W would see me walking & get in my face to fight. She wanted an excuse to start punching me. Terry would come to rescue me when I could escape & run. One night Dad drove up & pulled out a loaded & cocked shotgun. She stepped in between Terry & the barrel to either bring Dad back to his senses or take the bullet to protect Terry.

Point of view:

She sees Host as weak & timid. “Don’t mess with my little sister! " - Devistation

Devistation

Bambi

Female, Human Alter

Age: 19

Holds:

Sexual adventurousness & prowess, seduction. She smokes cigarettes & is able to “talk dirty”. Pleasures of the senses for food, scents, erotica, & ambience. Her voice & body movements are overtly sensual.

Purpose:

Be on guard for unwanted sexual attention, take over to avoid trauma by being a willing participant. Gratification of sexual desires & stress relief. Be “mean-girl” if jealous.

How she came to be:

Angie, my college friend, invited me to watch movies at their apartment. She set-up for me to be roofied & gang raped.

Point of view:

Bambi sees Annie’s husband, Brent, as her sister’s spouse & off limits sexually. However, Bambi does like to tell him about her escapades. Brent is able to distinguish that Annie would never be unfaithful & is not aware of Bambi’s experiences. Even still, Brent has become a forgiveness expert.

Bambi

Vertigo | “Kitten”

Female, Human Alter

Age: 29

Holds:

She is flirty & alluring. Submissiveness & softness in relationship with her “gentlemen”. Ability to feel safe while being vulnerable. Puts male partner on a pedestal, idealizing him. Flatters, indulges & pampers him. Only he (not even Host) is allowed to call her “Kitten”.

Purpose:

Seeks feeling protected & defended when life gets chaotic (especially at work). Finds relief from the burden of being stalwart by sensing security & letting her guard down.

How she came to be:

The stress, demand & pressure of corporate work in a traditionally man’s field while being the family “breadwinner” & a new mother became unbearable.

Point of view:

Vertigo shifts in overnight, sits up in bed & has long conversations with Bambi or as if her “gentleman friend” is there. Brent tells me the next day. The only clue is I’m exhausted & have vertigo for hours the next morning.

Vertigo/Kitten

Carbon Copy

Female, Human Alter

Age: 54 (follows age of host)

Holds:

Judgemental behavior & attitude. Highly critical & bitchy. Likes to be in control. Lectures harshly & relentlessly. Uses the Bible as a weapon. Commands adherence to her defined principles & protocols. Delivers ultimatums. Anger, not rage. Throws things when mad.

Purpose:

Assert when treated unfairly or with bias, when disregarded or unheard, when de-validated or devalued. Vehemently oppose opinions nonconforming to her own. Take on the mother role if Host isn’t strict enough.

How she came to be:

Blamed for trauma & minimized Host’s words carrying no weight.

Point of view:

Carbon Copy pretends to be Host & the switch is almost imperceptible. Annie is heartbroken. Before the September 2020 DID diagnosis, Annie didn’t know her kids suffered this. Her kids attributed the experience to Host/ Mom & she lost relationships with 2 daughters.

Carbon Copy

Robot

Non-human Alter

Age: Ageless

Holds:

The ability to feel nothing mentally or physically.

Purpose:

To not feel any type of pain. Capacity to unwaveringly withstand any & all trauma that other alters cannot tolerate. Specifically designed to undergo prolonged, protracted abuse. In severe crisis, go on “automatic” to execute basic daily activities.

How she came to be:

Extended period of severe crisis during intense bodily & psychological cruelty. It was summer. School was out. Host was trapped in the house alone with parents & housekeeper. Host dreaded summer breaks.

Point of view:

Believes the body is not flesh & blood, but rather a machine. “I can run through this class door & not get cut or bleed. I’ll show you. ” – Robot to housekeeper obeying Host’s parents’ order to barricade to door so we couldn’t flee the house.

Robot

Delitrix

Non-human Alter

Age: Ageless

Holds:

Nurturing & gentle shielding protection characteristics. The means to elude gravity & draw Host to float away. Enables Host to become a small, fluid, semi-solid form that can journey with Delitrix into a glacier or rock crevasse to a remote nook no one can reach.

Purpose:

Wrap around Host, providing a safe place to rest when Host is weary & worn down. Provide privacy & seclusion.

How she came to be:

Initially to buffer me during a spinal tap for spinal meningitis & to safeguard me in the hospital. Later because Mom, Dad & housekeepers enjoyed perversely watching me. I shared a bedroom & bathroom with my parents & the doors were blocked open. They opened to the eat-in kitchen.

Point of view:

One winter I piled up snow & built an igloo. I rested there, sheltered from the cold wind, warm in my jacket. Alone & out of sight.

Delitrix

Annie (birth name Debra)

Female, Host (holds alters)

Age: 54 (Born in July 1968)

Holds:

Diminished to family provider, worker & administrator. Responsibility & accountability. Sorrow, loss, guilt, grief, anguish, heartache.

Functioning & Living with DID:

I am me, “Host”, most of the time until I “shift” & an alter swoops in like a superhero, taking over mind & body.

Shifting:

The fog comes from behind. I don’t see it coming. It envelops me, but I don’t feel it. Yet it draws me away as I stare into nothingness. Instantly I disappear.

Amnesia:

“What do you mean? Here I am, right where I’m supposed to be. My alter told you I did what? Really? I don’t want to believe it! I don’t remember anything, but I trust what you say. Oh my God, I am so sorry! ” - Annie

How we feel about DID:

Resolute to heal the metamorphosis forged by my perpetrators. I am praying for the restoration of damages & estranged relationships with my two oldest daughters.

Host/Annie

Through the process of bringing Sharing The System to light, I have learned more than I could have ever imagined about my mother and her alters. When she was first diagnosed and many times after, it was hard for me to believe that when I looked into my mother's eyes, it was not always her behind them. Moments when she looked like herself but was somebody else under the surface. When she would talk like herself, though, I would hear someone else. Going most of my life raised by the system, unaware at the time that what was going on was not always within my mother's control, yet it was within her body. I did not blindly accept the diagnosis; I questioned it, did my own research, and tried to make sense of it all through visual means. I think it would have been naive otherwise not to try to figure out my experiences and relationship with my mother. After developing this with all impacted identities, I can no longer question and assume that DID is a performance or a tool to manipulate others; I know now that it is real. DID is a mental injury that is highly complex and exhausting; I could not imagine someone being able to accurately and thoroughly pretend that they had DID for over half a century. This conclusion means the forgotten interactions with alters due to the amnesia that comes with DID are real. The trauma that caused DID within my mother is real. The alters that are invisible to the naked, unknowing eye are real.